Friday, July 5, 2013

Right about now, I could use a winning streak.

This is probably ill advised, but something very recent has got me down, and I'm going to talk about it now instead of waiting for my head to clear. Tonight, I was supposed to go on a date, but yesterday the whole thing was called off. She's still hung up on someone else, and decided to do the mature thing and let me know before things got messy. An unfortunate circumstance that's pretty much beyond either of our control, and I admire her for being so real about it. I know those feelings, and I'd like to think I would make the same call were I in her shoes.
That said, a little part of me wanted to just say "let's stick it out and just deal with it if things get ugly," but I've listened to that little part before and regretted it every time. I stuttered and stammered just trying to come out with some hope, and settled on "maybe sometime in the future we can try again," which is really all I could hope for.
So yeah,
we'll see.
In all honesty, I'd like for her to be happy, and I don't think conflicting emotions are going to help that along in any way. It's probably for the best to just let this drop off before it begins. It's really hard, though, not saying all I want to say. I typically make it my business to explain myself, but I don't think it will do any good.
I guess my feelings can be strong, and I can be candid, and I am intimately familiar with driving people off in this way. But it's been a while since that was even an issue, and that's kind of the root of things. There's just no way to say to someone "I like you, and before we got to know each other, I was not sure I would ever even like another person." That's a lot of pressure, and I don't want it to be true, but it is. Over the past year or so I've met a lot of beautiful girls who've made obvious their intentions, but I simply cannot be bothered.
Knowing exactly what I want is something I've always striven for, and never thought I'd realize. I'd always been a fool for any girl who showed me much interest, and I had no idea what I was looking for. Before this girl, I can't think of a single time I've tried. Period. I'd never been persistent, or made any effort to be noticed. I'd never tried to get the girl. But this time I did try, I just had a feeling. And then we got to talking, and we have tons in common, and I was starting to believe that maybe somebody would get me the way that I'd always wished I would get somebody else.

And here I am, making it sound like a huge breakup, but it's not. I don't mean to belittle other people and their real breakups.
What I'm experiencing is just disappointment at a vast loss of potential.

There,
let's see how long it takes me to regret writing this.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Real Women: The war on the body

It hasn't come up yet, but I've been meaning, for a rather long while, to talk about my views on women. More pointedly, my views on society's views on women. So it begins...
Body Image.
This subject has always been hard for me to approach. What I mean by that is that as a man, it's hard to express one's adoration for certain body types without coming across as some sort of fetishizing creep. Personally, I've always wanted to have a t-shirt made that says "Yes Fat Chicks" but the veneration of one thing so often translates to the exclusion of another. When it comes down to it, the thing I'm most attracted to in a woman is her qualities, and that means just what it sounds like. I don't have a physical type, because who can settle on one? Red hair? Cool! I love hair! I think you get the picture. Now, some people will read this and think "low standards" but in my words, it's more a priority of standards. Imagine it's you're wedding night. Now, what the fuck are you marrying? Are you marrying a body? Is that really all? If so, I feel sorry for you.
It's generally a universal constant that I am single, and in truth, that is very often, very much by choice. I'm incredibly particular about who I will engage in a relationship with, and by this point it should be obvious that it's all about compatibility and personality for me. Physical appearance is just icing on the cake, and again I gotta say, there's no such thing as a bad icing.
It's kind of funny talking about this, because it's something that seems to have confused a lot of women about me. I identify as bisexual, and in my personal experience, that has been met with a lot of skepticism on literally all fronts. Gay people think I'm faking, and secretly straight, and a lot of girls that I've become involved with seem to think that deep down, I'm totally gay. Now the reason for the latter, is probably because I'm a major fangirl. If we get down to talking about celebrity crushes, mine are just about all male. The reason, though, is pretty simple: why would I idolize an actress for her beauty when in my eyes, just about every girl I walk past is as gorgeous?
Every time I try to explain myself, I feel like I'm alienating more and more people.
I know this viewpoint isn't the most common; it seems that a lot of people know what they like and go after it single-mindedly, and I know a lot of damage has resulted from this societal norm. Sometimes I look at myself and wonder "why does a slender figure matter so much to some people and so little to me?" and I typically end up citing the way I was raised. I remember as a kid seeing ads for Rita MacNeil's albums on TV. One time, I made reference to Rita Repulsa, the big bad from Power Rangers. My mom heard me, didn't get the reference, and tore a strip out of me for being a douche. It was just a misunderstanding, but I still think that was probably a good indicator of how not fucking okay that sort of attitude was to have.

Musical Interlude: Anyone else forget just how fucking metal the theme to Power Rangers was?

Now, I'm not going to pretend that I was some sort of paragon of virtue when it came to body image. If we're being totally honest, I used to call my younger brother fat all the time. He wasn't even fat, I was just skinnier, I guess. This sort of thing kept up until I finally realized how much I was hurting his feelings. Kids can be cruel, but that's no excuse... I remember getting called anorexic all the time at school. I remember thinking I was hideous because I was so tall and emaciated. Thinking how maybe people would like me better if I had filled out more... or if I were a girl... when you're a girl, skinny is attractive. I suppose I developed a bit of animus towards other body types because I was so unhappy with my own. I got over it, of course, as I grew older and realized that a scrawny goth was still totally a hot goth, but that phase came with it's own set of troubles. *shudder*
But still, the crap I got about being skinny when I was younger is no excuse for taking it out on my brother.

Along the same vein, there's no excuse for the way people react towards those who fall within the established strictures of "beauty." I see more and more platitudes being thrown around about how curvy women are a million times more desirable than someone who's rail thin, and while I fully support the celebration of heavier body types, it doesn't have to be divisive. There's a lot of "skinny hate" going around now, and yes, I fully appreciate the well-deserved resentment of the fashion industry, but that's where it ends. I know plenty of people who fit the societal standards of beauty, and that's their healthy weight. We're so prone to comparing ourselves to others, but it shouldn't matter who's thinner or heavier. To some people though, it does, and it breaks my heart every time I think about it.

There's so much pressure put on women, and I don't feel like people think about that enough. Every woman you meet must be so fucking strong from a lifetime of scrutiny and self-scrutiny. The ones who make it out with a healthy view of their bodies are smart, and fortunate, but every single woman is so strong for what they have endured.
Well, those are my thoughts, and I'm not taking them back.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Social Transient.

I think I'm going to have to develop a routine for posting if I ever want to do it more frequently than every two months or something. I definitely don't mean to be this infrequent with it. Truth be told, I had a half-hearted resolution to do more writing this year. Frankly, it looks like I only published two posts last year, so I'm a third of the way to "more writing."

Today, I'd like to talk about the barriers between myself and other people, and I'd like to pretend that this is a wholly unique instance, and it hasn't been the focal point of a handful of previous posts. Well, no time like the present to drop the bomb. My name is Dan, and I'm an introvert.

There, I said it. Boy is that a load off my chest! I've been holding it in so long, but it was time. Time to clear the air, and level with everyone.
Okay, so me being introverted probably doesn't come as a surprise to anyone, but believe it or not, I've often struggled with the concept. For starters, I do very much enjoy social interaction, and in the right setting, I can be a pretty talkative guy. I don't find it hard to discuss pretty much anything, I can be ridiculously candid, and I've been known to confront people and situations with little or no hesitation. All of that seems to be contrary to what an introvert is. I mean, yeah, it's nice to have time to yourself now and then, but I don't even like living alone. I crave social activity... I'm just not that good at it.
How perplexing.

Then, a while ago, I saw this, and it all came together. I know, that's silly, to have someone else explain yourself to you. Is that silly, or is that counselling?
Anyway, there it is; While people around me seem to thrive off of socialization, here I am slowly losing steam... Sure, I get a lot out of being around people, I'm definitely glad for the bonds formed and the memories made, but there's a toll for me that isn't there for everyone. I think I'm starting to get why, too. For most people, interaction is second nature; they're just living in the moment and usually having a good time of it. But me, I'm up in my head the whole time, taking in every word, every gesture, every fucking photon. To be honest, this modus operandi does award me some advantages. Being perceptive and empathetic are both great qualities to have, and I've had many occasions to be thankful for them, but juggling all of that data while trying to maintain any sort of conversation is... vastly challenging. Everyone else is just chilling, and I'm playing Brain Chess... maybe Brain Mushihimesama Futari, depending on whether I'm talking to a girl or not.

Okay, so maybe that wasn't as enlightening for anyone else as it was for me. I know I'm not the only neurotic person around, and my struggles aren't unique... don't worry, that was just the buildup. Now we drop the bass.

So one of the biggest problems I've encountered in recent years that I never thought would happen to someone as awesome as me, is that I've become a drifter. I'm loath to say this, and I'm pretty sure I've only talked about it to one special lady before, but hanging out within a circle of friends (and I have many circles) is always a discouraging experience for me; Everyone in the group seems to have much stronger ties, and much deeper relationships with one another than I do with any of them, and I feel like I'll never get there. I know (and it's been said to me) that it's ridiculous to avoid a group of friends because they're all closer with each other than they are with you. After all, how do you expect to get closer if you're too discouraged to even hang out?
Yeah, I know it's dumb, but there it is. It's just one of those feelings... like knowing that your best friend has a best friend, and it's not you. Not that big a deal, everyone's got their own lives, rich with old friends and memories, and those friendships shouldn't affect your friendship. In truth, they don't. It's just one of those things that's a little uncomfortable to think about.
So back to being a drifter... It used to be that I'd move away, or change jobs, and I'd look back and hope so hard that I wouldn't lose contact with the good friends I'd made. Now, I feel like I rarely even make those close friendships to begin with. I have so many friends in convenient proximity whom I may not see for months. I can't even remember the last time I spent two days in a row hanging out with someone I didn't either live with or sleep with. I like to think I'm a nice, rather personable guy, but somehow everyone I keep around, I keep at an arm's length. I know a part of it is just life. The daily grind. The fact that I'm a night person who works mornings and gets home everyday, fucking wiped. The fact that my metabolism and my income, in tandem, keep me pretty busy... busy eating at home. But being socially fatigued takes a front seat on this one, and there's no denying it. I can say I'm too busy to see people, but at the same time, I just spent a whole day off watching How I Met Your Mother on Netflix.
It's not that I don't care, and I really hope that everyone knows that, because I feel like from the outside it looks like I'm just stumbling in and out of the lives of others, just staying long enough to say "hi" and then sauntering out the door again. In truth, it's a tenuous balance, and I can't stress that enough. I'm blessed with a plentitude of incredible friends, and while it's a shame I can't spend more time with everyone, I've gotta bring home that bacon... and daddy needs his bacon!

Alright, I'm gonna end it off with a rad song, because I said "Balance" earlier, and now the only thing I can think about is a song of the same name. Here you go everybody, some Future Islands!

I highly recommend you all check out the whole album, On The Water, if you haven't already.