Well, after a long and unexpected hiatus, I have returned to deliver unto you the world through my eyes, in text form. Much as I'd like to say things just got busy and I had no time for this anymore, I'm no liar. The truth is that I stopped writing because of girl troubles. While I wouldn't say we had a well defined relationship, the fact of the matter was that we were into each other, and it simply (or rather, complicatedly) didn't work out. If you've read from the beginning, you may have an idea of the toll this sort of thing takes on me.
When I've been single a while I'm able to be more pragmatic and positive about my given lot, but when somebody gets my hopes up and shit goes south, I am the embodiment of negativity.
Days, weeks, and months after this altercation I tried to sign back in here and start writing again, but all my words were bitterness.
Sure, this is essentially a public journal, but I don't think it's my place to publish trash talk about my exes to the world. I could tell I was still seeing the world through my rage-tinted glasses, so I held off.
Now here I am again, a week after Valentine's Day with one more relationship down. Around this time of year, I tend to re-watch a few old videos on the subject. There are a couple Danny Domino videos I get a kick out of, but I can tell you right now, they're not for everyone... possibly not for anyone.
But then there's this video, which I actually do recommend.
This actually ties quite decently into the topic I really wanted to get into today, so let's get right into it.
As I mentioned, I just got dumped... again. And I'm not kidding anybody, it hurts a whole lot. Are we not men? If you cut us, do we not bitch about it on our blogs? In all seriousness though, this time around, I don't really have any harsh words to utter. I'm not angry with anyone. Not even myself. It was just one of those situations where you're at a standstill. There's nothing you could've done better, and there's no way you could've changed her mind. You can't fight a feeling.
So for those who haven't put it all together yet, what I got was the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech. This of course, is a complete vagary to me. Perhaps some of you can relate to the notion, but for me, it's completely alien. I'll admit, I've left someone because I didn't love them before, but there were concrete reasons behind it that I simply didn't have the heart to elaborate on. It's not often that I lie, especially to someone that I care about.
Make no mistake, I am not calling anyone a liar, I just believe the two of us operate with completely separate concepts of "Love."
I'll admit right now, I am very quick to fall in love, and while I've experienced many varying degrees of attraction, I am loath to isolate any of them and christen them "not love."
You may draw from this that I am a romantic. You may draw that I am naïve. Or you may deduce that I've never really known love. Maybe you're right.
Here's the thing though. A very big part of the way I perceive life is through the lens of skepticism, and with a mind of logic. Every notion is something to be explored and challenged. Be it the existence of a God, or how the fuck David Blaine do that shit!
With that in mind, take a minute and think about the idea of soul mates... or even souls. Do these ideas make rational sense? We've pretty well proven that everything you are inside can be traced back to your brain. I understand that people want to believe that their essence will outlive their bodies, but based on the current pool of evidence, these notions are patently false.
What am I getting at? As I see it, the experience of love isn't any more spiritual and transcendent than a bowl of weed. It is a series of chemical reactions that, if you're lucky, coincide with the presence of a truly complimentary and supportive mate. It all boils down to biology, and I'm okay with that.
So what does it mean when somebody says they love you but are not in love with you? Clearly a physical attraction is there, and clearly they like you as a person. Is this a case of incompatible pheromones? Have they felt stronger reactions with someone else, and are now convinced that whatever this is, it's not "real" or "true?"
I don't know, I don't think the whole mind is being used to examine the problem. I think things are being omitted, and feelings aren't being traced back to their sources.
Well, that's just my opinion.
I know not everyone's comfortable admitting that their love is nothing more than an exchange of molecules, but I've got to point out, the second part is the most important. The complimentary and supportive mate.
I know history may not back me up on this, but with experience, I've become pretty discerning about who I get involved with. With all these things in mind, hopefully it'll make sense to you when I'm in a new relationship, and I can say after a few weeks with confidence, "I love you."
Just one last thing, too. I recently watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and a little reflection has spurred me to comment on the ending. So if you plan on seeing it but haven't yet, SPOILER ALERT, and if you don't plan on ever seeing it, I THINK YOU SHOULD RECONSIDER.
Okay, so at the end of the film, the couple hears recordings of all the awful things they had to say about each other in their previous relationship (which has been since erased from their memories). They know that individually they have a lot of issues, and there is a good chance that down the road, they will both become bitter, once again. They decide to give it a go anyways.
Some people will look at this and think "well that's unhealthy" and based on what I said before you might expect me to peg this as a poorly informed decision made under the influence of this very chemical effect I've been talking about. But I think some people are missing the point.
I think christian marriage has told us that if you get into a relationship, it had better be for the long haul. Why is it that our only gauge for the quality of a relationship is time?
I think the point of that movie's ending was to show that these two people lost their entire relationship, memories and all, and even knowing what they were in for, it was worth it to them to go ahead and make those memories again. Maybe it wouldn't last, but it's all about experiencing that love.
I bring this up because I just got out of an incredible relationship that I'll never regret, and though it was short, and it didn't end the way I would've liked, it was amazing, and I'll never forget it.
