This is probably ill advised, but something very recent has got me down, and I'm going to talk about it now instead of waiting for my head to clear. Tonight, I was supposed to go on a date, but yesterday the whole thing was called off. She's still hung up on someone else, and decided to do the mature thing and let me know before things got messy. An unfortunate circumstance that's pretty much beyond either of our control, and I admire her for being so real about it. I know those feelings, and I'd like to think I would make the same call were I in her shoes.
That said, a little part of me wanted to just say "let's stick it out and just deal with it if things get ugly," but I've listened to that little part before and regretted it every time. I stuttered and stammered just trying to come out with some hope, and settled on "maybe sometime in the future we can try again," which is really all I could hope for.
So yeah,
we'll see.
In all honesty, I'd like for her to be happy, and I don't think conflicting emotions are going to help that along in any way. It's probably for the best to just let this drop off before it begins. It's really hard, though, not saying all I want to say. I typically make it my business to explain myself, but I don't think it will do any good.
I guess my feelings can be strong, and I can be candid, and I am intimately familiar with driving people off in this way. But it's been a while since that was even an issue, and that's kind of the root of things. There's just no way to say to someone "I like you, and before we got to know each other, I was not sure I would ever even like another person." That's a lot of pressure, and I don't want it to be true, but it is. Over the past year or so I've met a lot of beautiful girls who've made obvious their intentions, but I simply cannot be bothered.
Knowing exactly what I want is something I've always striven for, and never thought I'd realize. I'd always been a fool for any girl who showed me much interest, and I had no idea what I was looking for. Before this girl, I can't think of a single time I've tried. Period. I'd never been persistent, or made any effort to be noticed. I'd never tried to get the girl. But this time I did try, I just had a feeling. And then we got to talking, and we have tons in common, and I was starting to believe that maybe somebody would get me the way that I'd always wished I would get somebody else.
And here I am, making it sound like a huge breakup, but it's not. I don't mean to belittle other people and their real breakups.
What I'm experiencing is just disappointment at a vast loss of potential.
There,
let's see how long it takes me to regret writing this.
