I think I'm going to have to develop a routine for posting if I ever want to do it more frequently than every two months or something. I definitely don't mean to be this infrequent with it. Truth be told, I had a half-hearted resolution to do more writing this year. Frankly, it looks like I only published two posts last year, so I'm a third of the way to "more writing."
Today, I'd like to talk about the barriers between myself and other people, and I'd like to pretend that this is a wholly unique instance, and it hasn't been the focal point of a handful of previous posts. Well, no time like the present to drop the bomb. My name is Dan, and I'm an introvert.
There, I said it. Boy is that a load off my chest! I've been holding it in so long, but it was time. Time to clear the air, and level with everyone.
Okay, so me being introverted probably doesn't come as a surprise to anyone, but believe it or not, I've often struggled with the concept. For starters, I do very much enjoy social interaction, and in the right setting, I can be a pretty talkative guy. I don't find it hard to discuss pretty much anything, I can be ridiculously candid, and I've been known to confront people and situations with little or no hesitation. All of that seems to be contrary to what an introvert is. I mean, yeah, it's nice to have time to yourself now and then, but I don't even like living alone. I crave social activity... I'm just not that good at it.
How perplexing.
Then, a while ago, I saw this, and it all came together. I know, that's silly, to have someone else explain yourself to you. Is that silly, or is that counselling?
Anyway, there it is; While people around me seem to thrive off of socialization, here I am slowly losing steam... Sure, I get a lot out of being around people, I'm definitely glad for the bonds formed and the memories made, but there's a toll for me that isn't there for everyone. I think I'm starting to get why, too. For most people, interaction is second nature; they're just living in the moment and usually having a good time of it. But me, I'm up in my head the whole time, taking in every word, every gesture, every fucking photon. To be honest, this modus operandi does award me some advantages. Being perceptive and empathetic are both great qualities to have, and I've had many occasions to be thankful for them, but juggling all of that data while trying to maintain any sort of conversation is... vastly challenging. Everyone else is just chilling, and I'm playing Brain Chess... maybe Brain Mushihimesama Futari, depending on whether I'm talking to a girl or not.
Okay, so maybe that wasn't as enlightening for anyone else as it was for me. I know I'm not the only neurotic person around, and my struggles aren't unique... don't worry, that was just the buildup. Now we drop the bass.
So one of the biggest problems I've encountered in recent years that I never thought would happen to someone as awesome as me, is that I've become a drifter. I'm loath to say this, and I'm pretty sure I've only talked about it to one special lady before, but hanging out within a circle of friends (and I have many circles) is always a discouraging experience for me; Everyone in the group seems to have much stronger ties, and much deeper relationships with one another than I do with any of them, and I feel like I'll never get there. I know (and it's been said to me) that it's ridiculous to avoid a group of friends because they're all closer with each other than they are with you. After all, how do you expect to get closer if you're too discouraged to even hang out?
Yeah, I know it's dumb, but there it is. It's just one of those feelings... like knowing that your best friend has a best friend, and it's not you. Not that big a deal, everyone's got their own lives, rich with old friends and memories, and those friendships shouldn't affect your friendship. In truth, they don't. It's just one of those things that's a little uncomfortable to think about.
So back to being a drifter... It used to be that I'd move away, or change jobs, and I'd look back and hope so hard that I wouldn't lose contact with the good friends I'd made. Now, I feel like I rarely even make those close friendships to begin with. I have so many friends in convenient proximity whom I may not see for months. I can't even remember the last time I spent two days in a row hanging out with someone I didn't either live with or sleep with. I like to think I'm a nice, rather personable guy, but somehow everyone I keep around, I keep at an arm's length. I know a part of it is just life. The daily grind. The fact that I'm a night person who works mornings and gets home everyday, fucking wiped. The fact that my metabolism and my income, in tandem, keep me pretty busy... busy eating at home. But being socially fatigued takes a front seat on this one, and there's no denying it. I can say I'm too busy to see people, but at the same time, I just spent a whole day off watching How I Met Your Mother on Netflix.
It's not that I don't care, and I really hope that everyone knows that, because I feel like from the outside it looks like I'm just stumbling in and out of the lives of others, just staying long enough to say "hi" and then sauntering out the door again. In truth, it's a tenuous balance, and I can't stress that enough. I'm blessed with a plentitude of incredible friends, and while it's a shame I can't spend more time with everyone, I've gotta bring home that bacon... and daddy needs his bacon!
Alright, I'm gonna end it off with a rad song, because I said "Balance" earlier, and now the only thing I can think about is a song of the same name. Here you go everybody, some Future Islands!
I highly recommend you all check out the whole album, On The Water, if you haven't already.
