Inside of me, in spite of me.

I've touched very briefly on having depression issues in the past, and I'd like to get into that in more depth. This post was spurred on by Depression Quest, and is going to deal with depression in general. I would like to avoid getting bogged down with any of the associated "scandals" or of any "movement" which may or may not suspiciously rhyme with "Flamer Hate."

As I mentioned in my last entry, I often don't even want to bring up my own experiences with depression because I know others have had it so much worse. I don't want to diminish anyone else's suffering, and I certainly hope that's not how it comes across. I think there's always some value in talking about personal experiences with mental illness, even if they are comparatively mild. A lot of people still don't understand what depression is, and so it follows that there is light yet to shed on the topic.

It's taken me forever to finally get around to playing through Depression Quest, and a large part of the reason is that I was afraid of how much it might hit home for me. I wouldn't call it denial, but things have been good for long enough that my history with depression just kind of floats out of my mind, and I forget that my relationship with depression is ongoing. A few years ago, I was complaining to a co-worker (my boss, actually) about how unaccomplished I feel for someone in my age group, and without missing a beat, she said "It's probably fair to say you've had some wounds to heal from in the past, and that takes time. There's no point in comparing your situation to anyone else's, nobody faces the same challenges." It completely threw me off... as I said, this was my boss... sure, we talked, but I don't think I was any more open with her than I have been with most people I associate with. Am I really that transparent, and more importantly, if someone else can see it, am I still hurting?

Well, the short answer is yes. This is why I call myself an artist and a lot of close friends haven't seen any of my work. This is why I miss social events because I'm "exhausted from work" and other people can manage work, school, and a social life with ease. This is why I'm writing this now and not immediately after Robin Williams died.

My motivation suffers pretty badly, and I tend to be acutely aware of my limitations.
That said, I'm very content with life, and a lot more social now than I was for a great deal of my life. Again, I must re-iterate: I'm doing much better than I have in the past. I don't talk about it a lot because I'm still ashamed of it, but there was a period a few years ago where my self-worth was very low, and I was very close to pulling a disappearing act; just moving away to somewhere that nobody would find me. Not telling family or friends, just leaving and starting over. I guess when you're depressed it's very easy to blame external factors, because there's no logical reason that your brain should be doing this to you. Why do you feel this way? There has to be a reason, right?

Well, the short answer is no.



Getting back to depression quest, playing through it, I related to the protagonist more closely than I had even feared, but at the same time, it was so comforting to have my own thought processes mirrored in someone else's words. Depression is still something that people don't talk about enough, and nothing illustrated that to me more clearly than playing this game. It's important to raise the point that depression is not just sadness; it's not just a reaction to a negative experience, and it isn't easily remedied by positive experiences. One facet of Depression Quest that stood out to me was its portrayal of being depressed in a romantic relationship. When I was younger I used to think that finding love would change everything and make me a happy person. It wasn't until I found myself lying on my bed so I wouldn't faint, on the phone with one of my first girlfriends on the other end of the line, cutting herself, that I realized: Love doesn't fix people.

Dan: The Man?

**Hypothetical Conversation**

Co-worker: "Wow, you look tired."
Me: "Yeah, I didn't get a lot of sleep."
Co-Worker: "Oh yeah. Late night out or something?"
Me: "No, I was just up all night wrestling demons."
Co-Worker: "…so, like in a video game or…?"
Me: "No, just demons."

You know how when artists start being recognized for their work, and they feel like maybe they're fake, or their work is somehow unworthy of the credit it's been given? Well I often find myself with impostor syndrome with regards to the challenges in my life… I'll catch myself saying "well I was hit as a child, but I dunno, it barely ever happened, I'm not sure that's even valid" or "I've been depressed before, but when I hear other people talk about depression it seems a lot more substantial." There is some truth to it, I mean, a lot of my experiences are a lot more mild than the ones other people have shared with me, but the fact that I feel like it's not worth even recounting my struggles is something I'd really like to get over.

Recently a friend of mine came out as trans, and posted some very witty and informative FAQs about the whole thing. This got me really thinking about something I'd already internalized but never felt the need to share. Again, like my feelings and experiences somehow lack the validity to be vocalized. What I'm trying to say is that when it comes right down to it, I'm not all man… no, not that Not-All-Man! I have a lot of femininity to me, and I used to express it a lot, but I think through pressure to grow up and join the workforce--especially living in a small, often closed-minded community--I started repressing it. Looking back I've noticed that my gender expression has waxed and waned profoundly based on how appropriate that kind of expression was at work. For example, when I moved into the city and worked at a thrift store, everything was fair game.

Even then though, when you're an effeminate male, everyone's first assumption is that you're a homosexual. I identify as bi/pansexual, but I don't think my orientation informs my exact gender identity. When you look at hetero or homosexuality, there are all these bold lines that people draw with regards to gender, but when your preference is all-inclusive, the gender binary becomes pretty meaningless; those lines don't just blur, they're simply not present. In that respect I think my orientation has made it much easier to accept the fact that I don't feel entirely male. Gender wiki informs me that I'm Genderqueer, and I'm perfectly happy with that. In the past, I have briefly mentioned wishing I was a girl when I was much younger, but that was a pretty superficial train of thought, and I have otherwise never experienced anything approaching physical gender dysphoria. If anyone had honestly asked me in the past decade if I felt like a woman trapped in a man's body, I would've said "No, probably closer to a gender neutral entity that happens to inhabit a man's body." In other words, if we were to simplify gender into a two-dimensional spectrum, I'd have to say that I'm slightly femme of centre.

Is anyone surprised?
…anybody?

Seriously though, maybe you just want to call me a sensitive intellectual, who is still entirely male. Why do I have to be something different?

Look, I have a hard time even interfacing with highly masculine people, because society tells me I'm the same as them and should act like it! The past couple years I've felt like less of an outsider because when you can grow a beard, people tend to think, "well, close enough."

Why do I have to be something different, well why not? Why should I feel like I have to hide behind a beard? Can't we talk about how fucked up the gender binary is to begin with?



To sum up, there's nothing I've put down here that couldn't have easily been inferred by any keen observer, I'm a girly man, and I'd like to stop being self-conscious about it. On a personal level, I will not be offended if you keep using male pronouns for me, but if you believe as I do that the gender binary is totally bunk, and that gender pronouns are a critical cog in the patriarchal oppression machine, you are more than welcome to refer to me as she, they, or if you want to get really cooky, ze.

I'm sure there are still some of you that think I'm confused, or just taking my personal politics too seriously, and I'll probably never convince you otherwise. If you're willing to humour me but still don't see why I need a new label for myself, I get that… I mean, that's basically why I'm coming out as genderqueer at 29 and not 19. Simply put, it gives a better idea of what can be expected of me, and more to the point, my gender identity largely shapes my relationships, especially when it comes to romance.

In the past I've quipped that the reason none of my relationships have worked out is that I was too much woman for my partners to handle.
Well, I guess that's not a joke.

Long Forgotten Fairytale

I recently made a visit to my hometown, and for the first time in a long while, I went for a walk as soon as I got in. The particular path I took brought up a lot of old memories in me. I passed a lot of places I used to go on a weekly basis, for you see, when you live in Port Alberni as a kid, and go against the grain (or the grain alcohol, as the case may be) you might find yourself bored and intelligent, with little recourse left to you but youth volunteering. I was involved in a weekly youth page in the local paper and helped put together a rather successful youth forum, but what really grabbed my interest was a group then known as YouthQuest. YouthQuest was a youth group for LGBT kids. In a small redneck mill town. I made some friends, learned a lot, and got to watch awesome movies like But I'm a Cheerleader.

I'd kind of forgotten about it, but I spent years going to those weekly meetings with a handful of friends and my sister. Eventually the primary organization disbanded and our group had to become independent and come up with a new name. We went with Wilde Youth, in reference to Oscar Wilde, and on our own, in 2006, we organized the first ever Pride event in Port Alberni, with the City's recognition. My band at the time, Japanese Economy Cars played at the event.

Sometimes I forget I've done anything with my life.

I think it's worth noting how far along things have progressed for LGBTI individuals. (For example, they just added the "I" for Intersex.) I definitely remember in my earlier years being convinced that no one would ever be an LGBTI ally without personally having something at stake, but time has repeatedly proven me wrong on that one, and I'm more than okay with that.

In case you were wondering, the title of this post is definitely referencing this song: