**Hypothetical Conversation**
Co-worker: "Wow, you look tired."
Me: "Yeah, I didn't get a lot of sleep."
Co-Worker: "Oh yeah. Late night out or something?"
Me: "No, I was just up all night wrestling demons."
Co-Worker: "…so, like in a video game or…?"
Me: "No, just demons."
You know how when artists start being recognized for their work, and they feel like maybe they're fake, or their work is somehow unworthy of the credit it's been given? Well I often find myself with impostor syndrome with regards to the challenges in my life… I'll catch myself saying "well I was hit as a child, but I dunno, it barely ever happened, I'm not sure that's even valid" or "I've been depressed before, but when I hear other people talk about depression it seems a lot more substantial." There is some truth to it, I mean, a lot of my experiences are a lot more mild than the ones other people have shared with me, but the fact that I feel like it's not worth even recounting my struggles is something I'd really like to get over.
Recently a friend of mine came out as trans, and posted some very witty and informative FAQs about the whole thing. This got me really thinking about something I'd already internalized but never felt the need to share. Again, like my feelings and experiences somehow lack the validity to be vocalized. What I'm trying to say is that when it comes right down to it, I'm not all man… no, not that Not-All-Man! I have a lot of femininity to me, and I used to express it a lot, but I think through pressure to grow up and join the workforce--especially living in a small, often closed-minded community--I started repressing it. Looking back I've noticed that my gender expression has waxed and waned profoundly based on how appropriate that kind of expression was at work. For example, when I moved into the city and worked at a thrift store, everything was fair game.
Even then though, when you're an effeminate male, everyone's first assumption is that you're a homosexual. I identify as bi/pansexual, but I don't think my orientation informs my exact gender identity. When you look at hetero or homosexuality, there are all these bold lines that people draw with regards to gender, but when your preference is all-inclusive, the gender binary becomes pretty meaningless; those lines don't just blur, they're simply not present. In that respect I think my orientation has made it much easier to accept the fact that I don't feel entirely male. Gender wiki informs me that I'm Genderqueer, and I'm perfectly happy with that. In the past, I have briefly mentioned wishing I was a girl when I was much younger, but that was a pretty superficial train of thought, and I have otherwise never experienced anything approaching physical gender dysphoria. If anyone had honestly asked me in the past decade if I felt like a woman trapped in a man's body, I would've said "No, probably closer to a gender neutral entity that happens to inhabit a man's body." In other words, if we were to simplify gender into a two-dimensional spectrum, I'd have to say that I'm slightly femme of centre.
Is anyone surprised?
…anybody?
Seriously though, maybe you just want to call me a sensitive intellectual, who is still entirely male. Why do I have to be something different?
Look, I have a hard time even interfacing with highly masculine people, because society tells me I'm the same as them and should act like it! The past couple years I've felt like less of an outsider because when you can grow a beard, people tend to think, "well, close enough."
Why do I have to be something different, well why not? Why should I feel like I have to hide behind a beard? Can't we talk about how fucked up the gender binary is to begin with?
To sum up, there's nothing I've put down here that couldn't have easily been inferred by any keen observer, I'm a girly man, and I'd like to stop being self-conscious about it. On a personal level, I will not be offended if you keep using male pronouns for me, but if you believe as I do that the gender binary is totally bunk, and that gender pronouns are a critical cog in the patriarchal oppression machine, you are more than welcome to refer to me as she, they, or if you want to get really cooky, ze.
I'm sure there are still some of you that think I'm confused, or just taking my personal politics too seriously, and I'll probably never convince you otherwise. If you're willing to humour me but still don't see why I need a new label for myself, I get that… I mean, that's basically why I'm coming out as genderqueer at 29 and not 19. Simply put, it gives a better idea of what can be expected of me, and more to the point, my gender identity largely shapes my relationships, especially when it comes to romance.
In the past I've quipped that the reason none of my relationships have worked out is that I was too much woman for my partners to handle.
Well, I guess that's not a joke.
