Entry 8: Great on Paper

I think I need a second opinion on this...

This is one of my favorite songs, and the music and video both evoke strong emotions... the video just stops making sense to me about half way through.

Friend A: So what's the deal with Dan? He seems like a really nice guy, he's funny, decent looking... why is he always single?
Friend B: He's just really fucking shy.

And there you have it. The blueprints for a fully functional human being. It works great in theory, but field tests have proven a complete failure. Maybe this prototype would be best suited to online dating.

It's no nascent realization that I'm better at talking in text than with my own two lips. I have a lot to say, but I'm a social aberration. My longest relationship was with someone of a similar bent, and we'd spend the day together in complete silence, then she'd go home and we'd talk about it over msn. Perhaps that's why I miss it.
Don't get me wrong, prose is no substitute for human interaction, it's just what I'm good at. It seems like a strange incongruence though; if you're good with words, you're good with words. But what if you're bad with people?
I used to go through life adamantly proposing that I didn't give a shit what people thought of me. There was some degree of truth to it, but it only applied to people as a whole. The the nameless crowds of high school jocks and bleached blonde airheads who'd never know me. Once I had a connection to somebody, the whole hypothesis folded, and nobody could care more what others thought of them. I guess that's where all the pressure comes from. I have a lot to say, but my mind is swimming with doubt, and any stream of consciousness I had ends up dammed.
So I write. Even if I do have those same doubts, I have the time to collect my thoughts and put them into words. Every time I write, I get to see the real me. Unencumbered by all those second-guesses. I see the potential for a real social animal.

It remains a mystery to me, but with some people I just click. I have friends that would never describe me as shy. I have friends with whom there is never an awkward silence... and I don't know what element is the cause. Around some people, you can't shut me up, I just love to shoot the shit. I look back at these interactions and ask "how is this me?"
Perhaps an anomaly, perhaps not... I think a contributing factor is probably an excess of X Chromosomes... seems like it wouldn't make that big a difference to somebody of my persuasion, but who knows? Maybe I'm a closet heterosexual.
Even that speculation has it's flaws though... I've had girlfriends who would never describe me as shy.
Sometimes I think it's all a matter of interests... if we like the same bands or movies, that's something to talk about. But there are people I have nothing in common with, and we still manage to have endless discussions.
I'm at a complete loss...

I feel bad, because I'm friends with some really great people that are going to have to patiently wait while I slowly emerge from this cantankerous shell. It's really not fair, and I wish I could just hit the switch that makes me real. Perhaps a drinking problem wouldn't be amiss.
It's funny, I have the perfect personality type for substance abuse... but somehow it just doesn't happen.

But enough about me, how was your day?

Entry 7: Future

I just wanted to put these two things next to each other. For those of you that don't know, Radiohead is kind of a big deal for me, and Paranoid Android is where that all started. As for Apogee, I don't listen to a lot of Jpop, but Apogee I like. I watched this video, and I gotta say, after the first twenty seconds, all I could think was "this is basically Paranoid Android through Japan-o-vision."
Don't think for a second that that's not a compliment.

Haven't posted in a while... I've been pretty ill, but I'm getting back to normal.

Lately I've been putting some serious thought into going back to school... if you know me well, you know that I say this all the time... I get caught up in the daily grind though, and I know it's a shit excuse, but there it is.
Anyways, this time around I'm actually holding myself back because of uncertainty... I've got to do some serious thinking.

I've been listening to the entire Adam Green discography again... I don't know what it is, but I can't stop singing along. I really don't think enough people listen to Adam Green... I know profanity and gibberish aren't for everyone, but I swear to god, there's so much meaning in there somewhere!
As Salvador Dali said, "just because I don't know the meaning of my art, does not mean it has no meaning."
I don't tend to keep up to date with musicians I like... I just found out a month ago that the Flaming Lips put something out after At War With the Mystics... yeah, two albums! So it also took me this long to check out the music videos from Adam Green's Minor Love.


Okay, I can't tell you how happy this video makes me! I just love all the awkward stares. This must have been so fun to make, and I only wish I could've done it.


Lol artz!
There are two or three more from Minor Love, but these are my favorites. I highly recommend checking out his earlier albums too... while I do like the newer albums, the older stuff is still some of my favorite.
If you're gonna start anywhere, you should probably start here:


Well, now I'm just spamming videos, so I should probably end this before I make a top 10 list of youtube poops.
Peace and Love

Entry 6: Stardate 2011

So Christmas was busy and I never managed to post between then and now. A lot more socialization than I'm used to. Definitely a lot of fun though. I wish I had the time and resources to hang out like that all the time.

New Year's Eve... To be truthful, I secretly spend every December 31st in a deep depression, and usually I have to be badgered incessantly to go out. I don't know what it is... at this point it's probably just a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm sure it also has something to do with the nagging fact that I'm alone every year, and while a new year's kiss isn't the biggest deal in the world, it gets to me.
Nevertheless, I got myself to go out this time, and I was so adamant that I double booked myself too! Unfortunate that I couldn't do both, but I had a really good time at the one. My M.O. lately has been terrible choices, so it was nice to make a good one.

On the topic of choices, I believe some resolutions are in order... most of them are just feats I'd like to achieve in the next 12 months.
Resolution the first!
Get my Learner's License... I've had to ask too many friends to move my crap, it's time to be more self-sufficient.
Resolution the second!
Go to School! It'll be a lot harder to hate my job when I can afford a house and two cars.
Resolution the third!
Exercise! I've been wanting to try Tai Chi for about 3 years and haven't gotten around to it... also I took up running a month ago and got a cold 'cause it's freezing! Maybe I'll save the running for spring.
Resolution the fourth!
Get my Passport so I can go to this year's Blipfest in NY! ...okay, that one might not happen due to lack of funds, but we'll see!

I'll be honest, I could go on like this all day... there's so much I want to change, but if I want any of it to happen, I've got to focus on what's important... like leaving the country to go listen to chiptunes, apparently.

Well, that's all for now. Hope everyone had a sweet New Year's Eve, and I think you should all post your resolutions in the comments!

Later, Phyrexian Negator.